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Steve's Reflections

I have joined a number of online support groups and posted on bulletin boards for families in similar situation to us.  Here is some thoughts I have taken from some of these posts, and other entries I have made from time to time.  They reflect the way I was feeling that day.  When I get to learn a bit more HTML I would like to put a blog up here, but it is a bit technical for me at the moment.  

Please note that I kind of feel like I am hanging it all out to dry here.  These are thoughts that are often not even expressed to Tania, but getting it out here is a way for me to vent a bit.  So what you are about to read are thoughts and feelings that are mostly not visible to anyone, and are my honest feelings at the time I wrote them.  I guess that for those of you reading this page that have not lost a child before, I am a bit worried I might come across as wallowing.  The truth of the matter is, I believe I have healed well from losing Montana, I have accepted her loss and I feel strong, but even though I feel I have healed I am left with scars, and what you are going to read is the result of these scars, and I think I can honestly say that there is not a day that goes by that I don't still think about Montana in some way.  The shrinks do seem to agree that this is a normal thing, even though at times I feel like I am going crazy.  So, my request to you as you read these entries is to understand that this is me venting my deep dark feelings from time to time, and a chance for you to get into my head.   

 

30/10/03

Hi Chris,

I read your post, and I am so sorry for your loss. What a horrible year for you guys! I too lost my little girl Montana Sky at 36 weeks back in Sept 2002. Just over a year ago, and having just been through her first birthday has brought a lot of memories flooding back and I remember so vividly some of the things you posted about.

Chris, you have only JUST lost Celeste Nicole (What a pretty name!) so you have to expect that your emotions are going to run you over like a steam train from time to time. 

In some really bizarre strange way, my grief has now become a part of who I am. I guess I have accepted that I have lost a precious angel and that I will always be sad about that, and that will never change. How can I ever be happy about that? So when I get stabbed in the heart right out of the blue thinking about my little girl, even though it might catch me unawares, I am not surprised by it or dissappointed in myself that I am still hurting or that I am not over my loss. Because I know it only hurts because I loved her so much...and I still do!

It is really good for you guys to be able to share your hurt and emotions like you are able to. It is so much easier getting through this as a team, and having someone to cry with when you need to. In my humble opinion....not only is your grief normal, but it sounds like you are doing it your way, and not scared to share. That has got to be a healthy way to get through probably one of the toughest battles you have yet faced! 

You also mentioned about getting through Christmas and birthday's. They are really tough! Here is a suggestion that you might find helpful. We have started what we hope to become a tradition for those special and tough days. 

On Christmas day we buy a really special ornament for the tree. We put Montana's name on it and the year. We also include a little present under the tree which will be appropriate for her age as well. 

On mothers and fathers day, we get an extra present and card from Montana. This was just SOOO special for us this last year.

Also on her birthday, we have decided to make it a special "family focused" day, so we will plan to do something fun together in memory of Montana. That might be a ride on the ferry, or a trip to the zoo, or a special family dinner, or off to a fancy restaurant, or camping. Just something really fun, so even though it is a sad time and a time to remember, hopefully it will become a day to look forward to and this way she will always stay a part of our lives.

I hope your pain eases, and you find peace and power to cope with the loss of your daughter Celeste and also your wife's miscarriage. We will be thinking of you and praying for you!

Blessings and miracles,


Steve

 

6/10/03

Hi Daniel,

I am so sorry to read about you losing your baby Madison. My eldest daughters name is Maddison so when I read your story, it really struck home. You guys have really been through a tough time, and you have asked some pretty tough questions that I remember asking and sometimes still do! I lost my third daughter Montana at 36 weeks and almost lost my wife too. That was just a year ago. 

I remember before we lost our little girl, I would look at other people who had the worst and saddest tragedy's in their life and wonder how do they find the strength to go on? Where do they find the inner fortitude to even get out of bed in the morning? Well when it did hit us, I found it kind of weird that people were now asking those same questions of themselves while thinking about me! 

To be honest, to me it was just something that you had to do! As badly as I wanted things to be different I couldn't change the past, there was nothing I could do about it. So somehow, as a team, Tania and I managed to get out of bed the next day, and we continue to keep getting out each morning! But every morning, we remember that we are only getting two little girls ready for school and play when it should have been three. 

Since we lost Montana, the one thing I have found in talking with other mums and dads in grief is that we are survivors. What makes ours an especially difficult journey is there are relatively few memories to remember your child by, so it has been more a journey of packing up the dreams and hopes for a child you never knew, yet you loved to the very core of your being, and at the same time trying to hold on to the precious few memories you have (even fewer for us as dads). Weird I know, but we ALL understand! 

I know that there aren't a lot of answers to your questions, but maybe hearing how others survived will help you find your own path through this darkness. I hope so! My advice comes from an old Irish proverb that says "It is in the shelter of each other that people live." The bloke in us always wants to solve our problems on our own. It's the male way! But I really found sharing my journey and "sheltering" with others who care about me (even in forums like this) has really helped me through. Travling alone gets lonely real fast, and there are always people who are happy to walk a mile or two with you!

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your girlfriend. 


Steve

19/9/03

Hi Brad,

Just wanted to say that my heart broke for you and your girlfriend when I read your post.  What a horrible experience you have just been through and I can't believe how insensitive the hospital was to you.  I am sorry you had to go through that!
 
I have just survived one year after losing our daughter Montana but my memories are still as fresh as it happened yesterday.  (you can read our story at www.chantastic.net) I found there was really nothing anyone could say to ease my pain, but it was nice to have support around me.  Make sure you share your pain and have the people who matter to you around you at this time.  
 
I found that it really helped to go through the whole grief journey with my wife...together.  We decided that this was something that was going to make us stronger as a couple.  We kind of felt that it was only each other that really understood what we had been through, so it made sense to travel the journey together.  
 
I keep a journal of how things are going for me.  This is helpful if I don't feel like talking, my significant others can read how I am doing.
 
While everyone's story is different, I am pretty certain that this is going to change you forever, and they say that what doesn't kill you will make you a stronger person.  I know that I determined with my wife that in memory of our little girl the whole horrible experience was going to make us better, stronger, more loving, understanding and caring people.    
 
Not sure how helpful this will be, but for what it is worth, just know that others who read your post will be hurting with you, and wish you all the very best over the next few weeks, months and years.  You will smile again!
 
Best regards,
 
 
Steve

13/9/03

Our little angels first birthday.  See Montana's Birthday Page for more details on her birthday

22/8/03

Been so busy I haven't had time to scratch myself.  Work and church has been pretty frantic, meaning life has been hectic too.  But it has been a good few months since I wrote last.  Two things stick out in my mind that have really impacted me since I wrote last.  Both have been the impact of Montana on other people's lives.  

We have just finished an awesome week at church with Pr Sam Leonor from the USA Christian rock band Big Face Grace and I hosted the week.  Part of my job as the host was to pray for any prayer requests our church left in a prayer box.  I was literally walking up on stage when some one shoved into my hand a prayer request for a couple who was having trouble with a pregnancy.  She had haemorrhaged, and had been hospitalised and for now things seemed to be stable but they had to wait a week for a scan to see if the baby was still alive.  Not having prepared my self mentally for this prayer, it obviously struck pretty close to home for me, and I poured it out pretty honestly up there and really had trouble keeping the emotions in check.  When I finished I opened my eyes and saw a lot of people wiping tears away too.   Will comment on my thoughts in a minute.

The other thing that happened was that same week.  After the meetings we had set up the coolest coffee shop/cafe downstairs for people to come and chat after the meetings.  I was having coffee and a friend came up and started talking to me.  What he shared just blew me away.  He told me his life had been a mess, he had lost someone dear to him about 15 years ago that had really left him staggered and empty, he lost his faith, and lost his whole focus, his marriage hit the skids, and to cut a long story short, for some reason he came to church the day I was speaking, and as he heard the story of Montana.  He did see us socially as his wife and kids were still coming to church and we would see him at BBQ's etc, so he knew our story and had bee watching us.  He told me after listening to my talk, it all finally clicked.  15 years of confusion and sadness, suddenly all seemed to make sense.  That service was about 6 months ago, and he told me he went home and decided it was time to come back to God.  He told me that watching us and how we handled losing Montana and how our faith pulled us through, and then listening to my talk changed his life.  He is now coming along to church, praying and reading his bible.  I was just SO humbled and so wrapt that he shared that with me.

I said to Tania, that even almost a year down the track we are finding out how our little girl impacted lives and continues to touch peoples hearts.  In some ways, if just one person finds life from our daughters death, if someone is touched by the faith that God has given us, if someone finds their way back to God through watching us cry, it kind of gives it all some meaning.  It kind of brings some sense into the whole thing for me.  Montana's life, brief as it was, made a difference to people.  That to me is just such a beautiful and comforting thought.  

22/6/03

Just had to tell you the most amazing thing happened this weekend.  As per usual we had a frantically busy weekend.  And as you may have gathered, we are fairly involved with our local church and this week Tania took a really brave move and volunteered herself to take the sermon.  She has only ever done this once before and it was several years ago.  Even more brave then getting up infront of a crowd of people to speak, she decided to talk on her journey with losing Montana.  She was SOO awesome and I am so proud of her!  Her folks live about 1.5 hours drive out of Sydney and they found out somehow she was speaking and drove down for the service to support her.  This was a really nice surprise for her too. So many people came up to her and spoke to her afterwards including several expectant mums and told her how much she had touched them.  She was just so brave, but I really believe that she was able to touch a lot of lives!  (I won't bother you with her content but if you are interested I have published it on Tania's page and you can read it here:)
 
After the service we had coffee with her family and then went to visit Montana's grave.  We took some flowers for her and it was just on sunset as we got there.  The cemetery is only a few blocks from home, and just as we were leaving home it started to rain, but the late afternoon sun was still shining.  As we drove out the drive we turned around and there was the late afternoon sun on our house and TWO full rainbows right over our house.  It was just so special and beautiful.  Tania said to us as we drove out "That is just for us guys, God put that there, right over our house, just for us!!"  As you can imagine tears just rolled down our faces after such an emotional day.  But it got better.  As we arrived at the cemetery and drove up to Montana's grave, which is on a hill looking towards our home, it looked like the rainbow had one end right over Montana's grave and the other end stretching over to exactly where our house is!  Then off to the side of the rainbow was the most amazing sunset with these golden orange clouds covering the setting sun and these beams of light radiating up out of the clouds.  Would you believe I didn't have a camera!
 
I have been brought up believing that the rainbow is God's promise to us, and I was just so moved to see this rainbow stretched out from Montana to our home.  I said to Tania, there you go!  That has got to be the closest thing you will get to God actually yelling in your ear that we ARE going to be together again one day.....and that is a PROMISE!!!!!
 
What an amazing experience, and just had to share that with you.

18/6/03

I became a grandpa last week at 36 years old!!!  well....kind of anyway.  I thought with the talk of pets and how they become part of the family just recently, I would add this to the conversation.
 
We have two rabbits that we bought the kids in January.  While they are supposed to be the kids pets, they are Tania's babies.  She is always saving them little titbits from the kitchen or out the back giving them cuddles.  They are so tame, they spend most of the time just roaming around in the backyard and occasionally they get out and go visiting, but always come back.  The girls drag them around, put them in their bicycle baskets and take them for a ride, and they just sit there and take it.  They are those really cute little lops (floppy ears) bunnies.
 
Last week our babies had babies, so that makes me a Grandpa!  I think Tania was more excited about this then the girls! Two little black ones, two mocca colored ones, and one white one.  It is winter here at present and Tania has been most concerned they are warm enough during the cold nights, and she has evicted my car from the garage and has put a heater in their for them.  Can you believe my poor car is out in the cold!!!  : )  They are just a week old now and they are starting to get a bit of fur now, and they are sooooo cute.  Their eyes aren't yet open but they have these fat little tummies and they spend all day snuggled up with each other in their little nest of straw and fur.
 
The other night, Tania was just sitting on the lounge cuddling with the mummy bunny, Twinkles (the kids named the rabbits "twinkles" and "star", tried to talk them out of that, but they are very determined little girls).  I sat down with her and gave Twinkles a pat too.  She told me she was just having a special mother to mother chat with Twinkles!  But as we sat there discussing the amazing instinct of this little bunny, tears welled up in Tania's eyes and she said that in a lot of ways, watching this little mother had really helped her with losing Montana.  She just felt like she understood the maternal instinct that kicked in and told Twinkles exactly what she needed to do to look after these helpless little bunnies.  She said it helped her to know that even though they are only rabbits, and she really didn't have anything to do with them being born, she still feels all those grandmotherly feelings for those little babies and a need to care for them and look after them!  I must admit, the two of them do seem to have some sort of secret women's/mother's connection thing going!
 
The thing that worries me most is that she won't be able to take the little ones off their mum to sell to the pet shop and I will end up with a back yard full of rabbits!!!!  I just hope those grandmotherly feelings wear off before it's too late  : )

 

9/6/03

Had a bit of emotions sneak up on me at church this weekend.  Montana was mentioned in the service which was really nice, and then Tania who was worship leading for the day finished the service with "It is Well With My Soul".  Still amazed me she was able to do that and hold everything together.  Stewart and Nikki must have noticed I wasn't holding it together and during prayer Stewart just laid his hand on me during prayer.  I felt power and comfort all at the same time, just from a touch.  He didn't have to say anything, it all just flowed straight through his hand!

Bruce Evans came and spoke with me after the service and shared that he had been thinking about us and Montana this week.  He was choked with emotion and his eye's were brimming over.  We both shared some tears together as we talked.  His thought?....  "It is only one more sleep for Montana, and we will be all home and back together as a family".  I was just so touched.  He is such an awesome guy!  

In thinking about this the next day, I realised that I am OK with that.  I wasn't particularly sad or overcome by grief at church,  and I wasn't embarrassed about the tears.  I have accepted losing Montana, and I have accepted that along with that comes some pain which is now a part of me.  It is an ingredient of who I am, and as much a part of what makes up me as the nose on my face.  What happened in church was a little of my pain that is now a part of me and who I am that bubbled to the surface, and it is just a fact of life for me that this happens from time to time, but that is cool because that is now who I am.

17/5/03

I dedicated Elise Ludlow at church today.  This was a first for me, and I really believe God gave me a double dose of courage to do this one.  I pretty much knew what I wanted to say, but have been procrastinating about actually sitting down to do it for weeks now.  Last night I sat in front of the computer for some time, just going through this web page, I shed a few tears reading through my letter to Montana, and then I felt ready to tackle it.  Not sure if it was something I just needed to do to flush it out of my system before I finally was able to sit down work on what I was going to say for the dedication, but today, I was fine.  10:30 the night before the dedication is probably a bit late to start work on it, but I really think it was just something I had to do to allow me to focus entirely on Elise and her dedication.  

I feel like I am able to unplug myself from the sadness I feel for losing Montana.  It is like I am able to walk out the front door, and leave my sadness at the door.  I can tackle a mothers day, a baby dedication, a cuddle from a friends baby and not be visibly distracted at all by our "Montana experience".  When I come home, I can then go and pick up the sadness, and work through it at my own pace, and in the privacy of my own home.  

11/5/03

We survived our first Mothers Day without Montana.  Maddison had made Tania a card and bought her some shower gel from school and she was most excited about that.  I took them shopping and bought her some slippers, a dressing gown and pyjama's.  I had the shop assistant wrap them separately so that it would be one present from each of her girls.  I also bought her some diamond earrings.  They were a peace offering for buying her an appliance for our anniversary.  You would think after 10 years I would know that I was on extremely dangerous ground buying her an appliance for an anniversary.  It was one of those fancy coffee machine things you can buy these days.  I thought it was pretty cool anyway.  We popped in to the cemetery and left some beautiful Gerbera's for her.  

Tania also worked hard for mothers day at church.  She had Gerbera's and chocolates for all the mums, we talked about it, and we were just so much more conscious of ladies who perhaps were single, ladies who were trying to have a baby and ladies who had lost a baby.  Also those who didn't have a mum to celebrate mothers day with.  So we actually gave a gerbera and a chocolate to every lady at church.  

5/5/03

Tania and I have just celebrated our 10 year anniversary (2/5/03).  We have been thoroughly spoilt, and have just had such a wonderful time together.  We took a weekend together and booked into a hotel in town and left the girls with Nanna and Ashleigh (their cousin) for the weekend.  We just had a really relaxing time and enjoyed each others company.  We don't do that enough!  We just spent time doing stuff together that we just don't get a chance to do any more.  Had a great romantic dinner together (Truffle mash potato to die for), walked around the Rocks (historic Sydney), visited coffee shops, caught a great movie (how to lose a guy in 10 days....really funny and a nice romantic film for an anniversary), strolled through some craft markets, did some window shopping in town, and visited the art gallery.  It was really nice. 

 

25/4/03

ANZAC day here in Oz.  Just got back from the dawn service at Castle Hill.  It was pouring rain just before the service, kind of reflective of the sombre mood.  The place was packed out despite the rain.  I still can't get over how many people get up to remember all those lives lost so long ago.  We do owe them a lot!  I finished reading a huge book on Gallipoli this year and I couldn't help but think about what a fruitless waste of life the whole thing was.  War seems to be an extension of politics and it is innocent ordinary people who get caught up and die in the middle of it all, not the politicians who are calling the shots.  Gallipoli was a result of reckless indifference to the lives of the men they sent into battle, and thousands of men died as a result.  Gallipoli was a defining moment for a young nation of Australia, but a moment that is soaking in Australian blood.  We didn't have to send thousands of troops into a wall of machine gun fire to prove we were a tough nation!  Anyway the point of mentioning all this is just simply I found myself quite emotional at the service thinking about the waste of life and the sacrifice that not only the men gave, but the families of the men who were left to heal after losing their sons, brothers and husbands.    I guess death now seems so much more real, and I understand a little better the pain of losing someone close, and each one of the hundreds of thousands of men who gave their lives so willingly, regardless of which side they were fighting, represented dozens of affected lives at home that were shattered and changed forever because they would not be coming home.  Lest we forget.

22/4/03

Turned 35 today.  The half way mark to my three score and ten.  What a scary thought!  Glad to be here and hope to be here for a bit yet.  Glad to have such a beautiful family,  I have much to be thankful for.

21/4/03

There seems to be a bit on my plate as far as bubs go at the moment.  I have also been asked to do a baby dedication service at church next month.  That is going to be interesting as I have never done one before.  But as I said to the parents, I guess you won't find too many other people who realise what a precious gift you have been given and how thankful we should be for the time we have been given with our children.

 

20/4/03

Happy Birthday mum.  The woman who gave me life turns 60 today.  We had a really nice day.  Debbie (my sister) and I organised a party on the Central Coast at mum's sisters home which is a lovely spacious home with gorgeous views of Terrigal beach.  It used to be a B&B so it is fantastic for catering for parties.  We invited all her family which are spread all over the east side of Australia including Newcastle, Central Coast, Melbourne, Sydney, Canberra, Macksville and Albury.  Most were able to make it, which was lovely as we don't often get together because we are spread so far and wide.  

I did a "tribute to our mother" multimedia presentation, and searching for images often had me in tears thinking about our little Montana.  I found some absolutely gorgeous pictures of mums and bubs.  

18/4/03

My folks just gave us a VCR for my birthday.  (I noticed you mentioned you don't have a TV in a post a few days ago....we have only just got our first TV a few months ago after almost 10 years of marriage....probably a mistake, but we are enjoying it for now!)  I have been wanting a VCR to get video camera footage onto a VHS tape, so we now have a television AND a video...welcome to the 20th Century...in another hundred years we might be ready for the 21st Century!  When we got really desperate to watch TV we used to go and hire a DVD and all sit around my laptop and watch a movie!  Pretty desperate hey!  : )  Sorry, I'm a bit off track here, anyway, today Tania and I sat down while the kids were asleep and looked at their birth video's.  Not having had a TV or a VCR it was probably the first time we had seen them in about 4 years!  It was really nice to watch it again and some great stuff of them growing up. But it was hard watching our two beautiful girls as new borns and remembering how beautiful they were and what a rush it was when they were born, and then comparing that to our experience of losing Montana only 7 months ago.  The only thing I can think of is I just feel really cheated.  We have just missed out on SOOO much and it just feels SOOO unfair! 
 
The other thing is that Tania is already starting to talk about having another baby.  Watching the video as you can imagine did nothing to help matters!  I guess I am worried we are not yet over Montana, and she is trying to replace her with another baby, trouble is I don't believe if we had a dozen more kids it would ease the pain.  We will ALWAYS be one kid short no matter how many kids we have! 
 
Another thing that scares me is if she did get pregnant again, I almost lost her as well as Montana 7 months ago, and I simply can't even begin to imagine what kind of a mess I would be in if I was trying to bring up our two girls on my own.  The doc's have said physically she can go again, but emotionally only she can answer that. The whole thing is just too scary for me right now to try and deal with.

14/4/03

On the weekend I found a reason to smile but also found some tears that snuck up on me for the first time in quite a while.  We also took a day trip yesterday, but
minus the kids which was a very special treat.  We went to a little town about 1.5 hours away from Sydney called Robertson.  If you have seen the movie "Babe", this is where it was shot.  It is God's own country!  We are in Autumn here in Australia so all the Autumn colours were in the trees and it was just a wonderful and beautiful spot that we had not visited for years.

We went there for a friends 50th birthday lunch at a wonderful old historic homestead.  He is a great friend and he has a lovely wife and two fantastic kids (Mark and Jolene) in their early 20's.  Both the kids took a little segment for their dad, Mark just had a really short speech telling his dad how much he meant to him and he ended up in tears, It really moved me too but it was Jo that really crushed me.  Jo had written a poem for her dad, it was just a really simple humorous poem about her dad, the fun things they did together, what she remembered about growing up with her dad, what a simple hug and a kiss meant to her, how her dad's belief in her and love for her has helped her through life, and just how much her dad meant to her.

I sat there watching John's eyes sparkling with love and pride for his daughter, and watching Jo expressing her love and admiration for her dad in that poem, and then as she finished, John get out of his chair with tears in his eyes, walked to the front and embraced his daughter for the longest time.

I just couldn't help but think that I would never have a moment like that with my daughter.  I just sat there feeling like a bit of a dill, because I am sure I was the only one with tears just streaming down my face. It took me a little while to recover from that, but I just couldn't help feeling really cheated.  How are you supposed to cope with a moment like that?  A moment that is just so special, one of those unforgettable father-daughter moments, but one you know you will never experience.  What a heart breaker!

6/4/03

As far as coping with almost losing a wife as well as our little girl...I don't know.  Somehow I think it actually made it easier for me, because I could see how close it was to being so much worse then it actually was.

3/4/03

We have several friends that had babies about the same time Montana was due and EVERY time I see them I think "That is about how big Montana would be now, and that is probably how she would be playing, or she would probably be able to do that now too".  The thoughts pretty much never escape my lips other then with Tania though.   

3/4/403

Tania and I have often thought losing Montana would have been a whole lot harder if we had heard her cry and held her for a few days as you did with Allen.  Funnily enough...in an ironic sort of way, even though I think it would be a lot harder, I would give my right arm to have held her just for a moment, and have her know her dad was holding her, and I know Tania feels the same way.

 
Guess I somehow feel a little guilty that I didn't spend more time with Montana in Tania's womb.  Because she was number three, in some ways, while it was still exciting to have another baby on the way, I had been there and done that, and I didn't spend as much time talking and singing to Montana and rubbing Tania's tummy so Montana could feel her dad touching her as I did with my two older girls.
 
As one of your little messages in Allen's Life Lessons says, "every day is a gift".  After losing Montana, every moment now is a treasured memory I am determined to hang on to.  Just wish there were more moments to hang on to!

1/4/03

I know when I visit Montana's grave and I see some plaques next to each other with the same surname, I just sit there in stunned amazement how people find the strength the get through this AGAIN!

1/4/03

.  I think putting her site together for me was really healing.  Our counsellor told us that guys often like to do things to remember.  Plant a tree, build a cubby house, or something like that.  Me, not having a handy bone in my body, (my in-laws who are all builders call me blister because I always pop up after the work is finished) but enjoy tinkering with computers, I built a website! 

1/4/03

On the weekend, Tania and I were just lying down chatting about Montana.  We had just had some close friends over for a meal.  They had a little girl about three months after Montana was born.  She is about three months old now, and we had a lovely time with them, and a Tania enjoyed playing with the baby, changing her nappies and cuddled her to sleep.  I played with her on a little play mat, and while I was chatting with them I was just playing tootsies with their little girl.  It was a nice afternoon, but it did tinge our day with sadness, and talking about it later in bed with Tania had us both in tears.  We ended up getting out Montana's little memory box and going through her little dress, and photos and other things that we have kept. 
 
I find that when I do think about Montana, even after a tough day like that, it is kind of like a low dark cloud.  Just an ache that hovers around, blocking out the sun.  Not really raining, not really stopping me from going to the beach, but just enough to stop you from having a really great day, and there is not a thing that you can do about it!  Does that make any sense?   
 
I think Tania possibly does it tougher then me.  But she is really brave, and determined to face this head on.  I know I spent a lot of time trying to protect her in the days and weeks after we lost Montana, but I soon realised that she wanted to face her grief and deal with it, so things like visiting friends in hospital when they have babies, she is quite happy to go, even though she does get upset afterwards.  So now, rather then trying to protect her, I now focus more on supporting her during tough day's like that.
 

27/3/03

We have had the most amazing support from friends and family, work and church, and they really helped pull us through.  That was just over 6 months ago.  I think we are at the stage now where people don't talk about it so much anymore because they don't want to bring up memories that will hurt us, and we don't talk about it much with people anymore because we don't want them to think we can't get over this.

25/3/03

in many ways, I am glad we had Montana.  Even though I so desperately want to change the ending to the story, she is still my little girl, and always will be.  
 
I found that you reach a point that you don't really talk about it any more with friends and family, but, while I think I have moved on, I still feel the need to talk about my loss from time to time.

Not a day goes by when I don't think about Montana.  But it is getting easier.  Losing Montana is like a marker in my life.  I remember things and events before we were pregnant with Montana and after we lost Montana.  It has changed me forever.  
25/3/03

Here is a text I am having put on our little girls plaque on her grave.
 "Before I shaped you in the womb, I knew all about you.
 Before you saw the light of day, I had holy plans for you."  
 Jeremiah 1:5
 
This passage gives me a picture of a God who loves my little girl, and is going to bring our family together again one day!  I can't wait already!   :)

25/3/03

Despite losing our little girl, I have been able to see God's hand in sparing my wife's life through a series of miracles that day.  If any one of them hadn't happened, I would have been trying to bring up my two older girls on my own.  A thought I can't even bare to think about! It's almost like God said "Losing a daughter is enough.  This is where the pain stops, and Tania lives another day!"
 
Like you, losing a child has really changed me and my perspective on life.  It made me realise that every moment is precious.  I spend more time with my two older girls and I treasure every moment with my wife.  
 
You do have good days and bad days, but I have found that it does get easier.  (It's been just over 6 months).  I don't think you ever really get over it, but you do learn to deal with it.  There will always be a special place full of love and sadness tucked away in my heart, and  I visit there often, but mostly in private.  
 
I do still talk about it with my wife and the girls quite often, but I have found that I don't talk about it much anymore outside of my "girls".  Either people don't bring it up for fear of hurting you or they think you should have moved on by now.  Not sure which, and I guess I don't talk about it much because I don't want people to think I can't get over it.  Bit of a catch 22!

25/3/03

Happy Birthday Deb.  My precious sister!

24/3/03

Advice is a tricky thing because I think we all deal with it differently.  But off the top of my head, here is a few thoughts that I think has helped me get thru losing our little girl 6 months ago.  
 
Be gentle with each other, talk about your loss honestly with your girlfriend, your family and your friends, allow yourself to grieve.  It's OK to be sad, and to cry!  Take life one day at a time.  

23/3/03

Advice is a tricky thing to give in a situation like this, so I won't.  But I can share with you my experience.  I spent a lot of my time in the first few months protecting my wife, and trying to shield her from new born babies.  I guess its the male instinct thing.  But as you are finding out, it is a next to impossible task.  I think it also meant I wasn't allowing myself to think about how I was feeling about things.  Once I realised this, and the fact that it was something we were going to have to deal with, I started to just try and support her rather then shield her.  This also allowed me to deal with our loss a little better than I had been.
 
My wife has been really brave and one of the toughest things we did about 3 months ago was to go to the hospital to visit friends that had just had a baby.  Afterwards we cried a lot but it was milestone for us.  It was a barrier that we were able to break through.  
 
I don't think we will ever look at a baby again without a tinge of sadness or without remembering our lost dreams for our little girl.  But the good news is, it has gotten easier.  We can cuddle babies now and smile through our tears.  The tears are mostly on the inside now, or in the privacy of our home.
 
It has helped us as a couple to be able to talk about it.  Because after the flowers and cards from friends and family stop, you are left with each other.  We feel like we are the only ones who really truly understand how each other feels, so we talk and talk about how we are feeling.  Be patient and gentle with each other, and go out of your way to love each other more.