A Letter to Montana from Daddy

I sat down and wrote to Montana the day Tania came out of Hospital.  I just sat there and sobbed as I wrote this letter, but I am so glad I did.  That day we went shopping and bought her a beautiful outfit, went to the funeral home and dressed her and spent about an hour with her, wrapped her up snug and tucked her in to her casket, said a little prayer with her, and kissed her goodnight.  We then went and picked out her grave site at the cemetery.  What a day!

Inside her casket, right near her pillow, we left her a family photo, a little pot of lippy (I bought 3 pots - one for each of my beautiful girls and they are always telling me a girl can never have enough lippy!), a little teddy bear which I bought supporting National Babies Day on Oct 18 2002, and a letter from myself and Tania.  This is the letter I wrote to her and the photo we left with her.

                                                                                               18 September 2002

To my sweet little Montana,

Hi precious, I am your daddy.  You never got to see me, but I know you will know my voice when you hear it.  I am really sad at the moment but I want you to know I am sad because I love you so much.  I am sad because I thought that next week I would get to hold you, see your eyes sparkling, see you smile, feel your warm little legs, hear you cry and soon hear you laugh.  I had so many dreams for us, so many things I was looking forward to, but now I have to wait.

You have two older sisters.  Maddison and Brooklyn.  They are the very best sisters you could ask for.  They also love you so much, and are really sad we are going to have to wait.  Maddison drew a picture of you and her in heaven.  You were both wearing pretty flower dresses and you were outside our home holding hands.  There was an angel there with you and a rainbow over our home.  Brooklyn isn't big enough to be able to draw like that yet but if she could I am sure it would be really pretty. 

They can't wait and neither can I.  I just know you are going to love them when you meet them.

Sweetheart, you are going to sleep right near our home.  We will come and visit you as often as we can and while we are not right there with you we have left a very special angel to stay with you to look after you until you wake up.  When you wake up we will be there and your angel will bring you straight to us.  That is going to be the best day of my life.  We will finally be together as it was meant to be.

You are a very special little girl because Jesus must have wanted you in our lives.  We would have stopped at Maddie and Brookie, but Jesus knew we weren't yet a complete family.  There was a really big chunk missing, and that is you.  So now we are complete, our family is just as Jesus wanted.  When you get this letter, we will finally be all togther too...just as Jesus wanted.

I guess that it is nice to know that you will live in a perfect world, you will never understand what it means to cry, to hurt yourself, skin a knee, stub a toe, (what Maddie and Brookie call a dodo!)

I just want you to know you will live in my heart forever.  A special warm and cosy spot.  It is full of love and laughter.  A place of fun and joy.  I am going to keep you there until I can hold you.  You are the first thing I think about every morning and the last thing I think of before I go to sleep at night - and you are NEVER far from my thoughts during ever single day.

Even though you may not understand this, I want to say thankyou to you.  Thankyou for all the joy and hope you brought into our lives.  Thankyou for giving me a reason to go on.  Thankyou for giving me a determination, a resolve to stay strong and to stay closer then ever before to Jesus.  Thank you for the BEST reason ever that I have to be in heaven...to be your daddy, and to be there for you.  I owe that to you because I am your dad, and you need to be able to count on me.

I just have so much to tell you and I just wish so hard that I could have whispered these words in your ear rather then having to write it down.

Every night before we tuck your big sisters into bed we read them a story.  Before we say good night to you we are going to read you and your big sisters a story that your big sisters love.  It is about a little bunny trying to tell his dad how much he loves him, and about how much more his dad loves the little bunny.  It's called Guess How Much I Love You.  I want you to know as we tuck you into bed that you just can't measure how much love I have for you today and for always.

Then we say a little prayer.  This is my prayer for you Montana,

Dear Jesus,

Thank you so much for my beautiful family.  Thankyou for my mummy and my daddy who love me so much.  Thank you for my big sisters Maddison and Brooklyn and thank you that they love me so much too.  Please look after them all for me and help them not to be sad.

As I go to sleep tonight, please send a nice angel, one of your really special ones to stay right beside me.  Let them hold me close to their heart and keep me safe till it's time to wake up. 

Please look after my family and keep them safe in your care till then and please bring them straight to me when I wake. 

I love you Jesus.  Amen.

Good night my sween precious Montana.  Sleep tight and I will see you in the morning.  I love you with all my heart.

xxxx oooo

Your Daddy.